She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
