Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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