I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
