I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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