he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize