I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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