And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
