My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So squirting runs in the family.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize