Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
