you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
