he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
