I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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