Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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