She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
