i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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