I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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