4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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