I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
