sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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