Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
