Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
