I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
