On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I bet he comes in French.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
