thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize