Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
