hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just had sex on a roof
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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