I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So squirting runs in the family.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He? As in you personified your dick?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
