I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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