If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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