I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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