she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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