now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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