Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
