oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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