we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
