I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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