so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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