You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
