I just saw a hot homeless man
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
