Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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