I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize