i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
