now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
