I could have mohawked her pubes.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
