Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
