so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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