The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
