Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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