I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
