There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
