quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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