i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize