My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
