Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just want to make out with him forever
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
