you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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