anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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