and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
