well you can't waste a boner
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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