and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
