Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
