Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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