Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Im part way to drunk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
